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Jul 11

Grammar for the dirty-minded

I wrote this for a post on a website I visit due to some of the posts I’d seen flying around and comments on my profile. Keep in mind that it was written for the kink-minded, so it’s far dirtier than I’d usually write, but hopefully it helps some of those who are a little confused on grammar. Or just want to laugh at some of the crazy shit I came up with for grammar examples.


This is probably going to make me look like a bitch or a snob, but grammar mistakes make my eye twitch. I’m an editor. It’s part of my job. But, even as an editor I make them occasionally. I’m human–I can’t catch everything. But judging from the amount of basic grammar issues I see everywhere on the internet, people either don’t give a fuck or they just don’t know. In case it’s the latter, I’ve put together this handy list.

Your indicates possession.
“This is your pen.”
“I’m going to your house.”
“Your cock is thick and beautiful.”

You’re is a conjunction meaning “you are.”
“You’re going to the store.”
“You’re a nurse? That’s cool.”
“You’re sexy as fuck.”

It is always “you,” “you’re,” or “your.” Never “u” or “ur.”

To is used used to indicate the place, person, or thing that someone or something moves toward, to indicate the place where someone participates in a particular activity, or to indicate the direction of something.
“I’m going to the store.”
“I need you to pick me up from the airport.”
“I’m going to eat you out and you’re going to come in my mouth.”

Too means in addition, more than what is wanted, needed, acceptable, possible, etc., to a high degree or extent, very or extremely.
“You went to XYZ high school too?”
“I, too, drive a Chevy.” (Okay, people rarely talk like that… and I drive a Ford, but I digress.)
“I want to fuck your mouth, your pussy, and your ass, too.”

Two is a number.
“I have two pencils.”
“I drive two cars–my personal vehicle and my work truck.”
“I want you to slide your cock between my two pale, perfect breasts.”

There means in that place; at that location; to or into that place; at that point in a process, activity, story, etc.
“I want to go there.”
“Please put the papers there on the table.”
“Can I please lick you there?”

Their is defined as relating to or belonging to certain people, animals, or things; made or done by certain people, animals, or things; his, her, or its
“Their home is lovely.”
“Which parking space is theirs?”
“Their nipple clamps are nice and tight. I would definitely buy them again.”

They’re means “they are.”
“They’re going to the party.”
“They’re driving together.”
“They’re fucking on a regular basis.”

Then means “at that time.” It is used to indicate what happened, what happens next, or what should be done next.
“I went to the store, then I went home.”
“First, the nurse drew blood. Then she requested a urine sample.”
“I want to come down your throat, then I want to fill your pussy.”

Than is used as a function word to indicate the second member or the member taken as the point of departure in a comparison expressive of inequality. It is also used with comparative adjectives and comparative adverbs
“I’d rather chew glass than eat kimchi.”
“My grandmother says she is older than dirt, but I think she’s only about 53.”
“He prefers to fuck her ass rather than use a condom.”

By request:
Affect is the conscious subjective aspect of an emotion considered apart from bodily changes; a set of observable manifestations of a subjectively experienced emotion; to be given to : fancy; to make a display of liking or using : cultivate; to put on a pretense of : feign; to tend toward
“The patients showed perfectly normal reactions and affects.”
“Drops of water affect roundness.”
“She affected indifference, but she really loved when he fucked her ass.”

Effect a change that results when something is done or happens : an event, condition, or state of affairs that is produced by a cause; a particular feeling or mood created by something; an image or a sound that is created in television, radio, or movies to imitate something real
“The special effects in this movie are so realistic, I could swear there really are giant blue aliens running around!”
“My back yard flooded as an effect of Tropical Storm Allison.”
“The effect of him coming inside me is I now have cum dripping down my legs”

Come is the action of having an orgasm.
“I want to come inside you.”
“Come for me, baby. Fill me up.”

Cum is the product of the orgasm.
“I love feeling your cum drip down my legs after we fuck.”
“Your cum tastes so good.”

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